Thailand's Tijuana

If you've ever been to the USA, especially LA or San Diego, chances are you would be familiar with Tijuana.

It's the gaudy, seedy, slightly desperate Mexican border town where Americans go for cheap pharmaceuticals, cheap trinkets, and cheap company. Plus you can claim 'I've been to Mexico!'

Well, Thailand has Burma's Tachileik.  Go north to Mae Sai (about for hours by road from Chiang Mai) and you'll arrive at the border, also Thailand's northern-most point. Tour buses and market stalls congest the approach to the bridge for about 1 kilometre.

A small bridge over a narrow muddy river (only about 10 metres wide) is the border. A huge archway welcomes you to the Union of Myanmar. Yes, this is Burma, keep walking. Pay 500 baht and you get an entry permit (14 days for 500 baht) and hand your passport over nervously for their safekeeping so you don't defect to Burma.

Then, you're in Burma. Suddenly you're swarmed on by a plague of vendors selling temple tours, Viagra, beer, Viagra, taxi service, Viagra, hotels, Viagra, massage, Viagra ... and, just in case you need it, more Viagra. Jing jing!

The market beside the bridge is a seething, labyrinthine mass stalls and humanity, like a canvas-and-plastic version of a Middle Eastern souk bazaar. Among other necessaries, you will be offered Saddam Hussein playing cards, Viagra, beer, Cialis, water, Viagra, sunglasses, Cialis, cigarettes. I don't know what this says about the vendors. Or the visitors.

Suffice to say, everything is on sale and for sale -- including their own grandmothers I suspect. I snapped up a pair of Adidas running shoes for 500 baht. (Yes, they work in baht and all speak Thai). I'm hoping they'll last at least one week in the gym so I get my money's worth.

It's a tour bus scrum getting in and out of the place. You'll be thankful once you return over the bridge to Thailand. Then realise, you went to Burma -- arguably one of the world's most fascinating countries -- and saw absolutely bloody nothing.

Actually, that's not true. Burma looks exactly like Mexico.

Chiang Saen -- two wheels, three countries, and tons of elephants

We left the markets of Mae Sai -- and Thailand's northern most point -- behind as we took the 1290 east to Chiang Saen, morning sun in our eyes. The road was under repair for most of its length, meaning it will be great in a few months when all the work's finally done.

Guests were still breakfasting leisurely when we arrived at the Anantara Golden Triangle Resort and Spa, nestled amid lush jungle with a perfect viewpoint over the junction of Thailand, Laos and Burma. The latter two countries are easily distinguished by their eye-sore casinos which poke incongrously from the misty wilderness.

Here the Mekong is a muddy brooding confluence.

The Anantara has its own jungle-adventure feeling about it, not for the least reason that it's home to the Golden Triangle Asian Elephant Foundation. Here, nearly 30 elephants have been rescued and rehoused from major cities where they once plied the street begging for bananas, which their mahouts (owners) sold to tourists and locals alike.

Here, they get to live in the primeval jungle and forage on lush greenery -- up to 250kg of leaves and bananas per day. Each. Jing jing! And their mahouts and families get to live in the camp, while their elephants are effectively leased to the Foundation for a generous monthly rental.

The Foundation in turn enables tourists to experience elephant rides in the bush, and take 'crash courses' -- not literally I hope -- in being a mahout. I decide to sign up for a 3-day course (check back soon to see how I progress).

Now I've got a question for you: when you were growing up, most of us wanted to be firemen, pilots, that sort of thing, didn't we? Englishman John Williams has a business card which reads 'Director of Elephants'.

John overseas operations here and is an evangelist for conservation. (He previously worked in Nepal, in tiger conservation.) John has helped the local villagers develop a silk weaving operation, giving the womenfolk something productive to do. Within 18 months they are already shipping orders for handmade silk BlackBerry covers to Europe and the USA. Talk about traditional meets modern!

On the way back to our luxury lodgings, we take the time to sit on the grass and feed bananas to a baby elephant. The cute little Dumbo look-alike just needs a quick 20 or 30 kg snack to keep it going ...

And after the gourmet breakfast, lunch and amazing Italian dinner at the Anantara, I was doing a pretty good impression of Dumbo myself.

Two Wheels to the Triangle

We had now completed the Mae Hong Son Loop, back to Chiang Mai, and pointed our nose north now to head up to the Golden Triangle, then to follow the course of the mighty Mekong River along the Laos border and then down through the heartland of central Thailand, including Sukhothai, then back to Chiang Mai again. Motorcyclists' heaven!

Heading up the main road to Chiang Rai, the wide and winding but wonderful 118, we took the turnoff to Phrao. For 70 km we blasted along an amazingly wide and smooth road, where the lush primary canopy sometimes joined overhead completely. With no traffic about, there were plenty of opportunities to test that the accelerator was working Ok. You can never be too sure. Pleased to report that it responded up to 150km/h with admirable ease.

One of the great things of motorcycle touring in Thailand (and I'm not endorsing this, just making a factual observation) is that you don't ever see a speed radar outside of Bangkok. The police have to provide their own bikes, too, which means many have a small 125 or 250cc. But in any case, even if they are on the  road or roadside, by the time they've seen your blur fly past, it's too late for them to do anything about it. As I said, I'm not endorsing this sort of behaviour. Jing jing!

Following the ridge road, we glided into a scenic lookout point from the ridge, at just less than 900m altitude, with a stunning view to the lake which is the signature of Phrao. Phrao itself is quite popular for its old temples, parks, and monuments, but the money shot is its lakeside promenade, from where you can wander about watching fishermen catching weeds and the occasional fish.

There are lots of lively places up this way, including Chiang Rai town itself, and Fang, but we'll come back for those another time. It was open throttle to Mae Sai, on the Burmese Border. The Golden Triangle.

The very name of The Golden Triangle reeks of mystery, adventure and exoticism, doesn't it?

Mae Sai, like any border town in the world, is just markets, markets, markets. DVDs, pharmacies, bags, shoes, t-shirts, jade-like trinkets, silver. Desperately cheap! We rode through the middle of one street market, emerging out the other end right on the river that defines the border. It's only about 5-10 metres across in parts, and children swam in its brown waters. If one wanted to do a 'border run' it would be most easy.

Getting motorbikes into Burma is a more complicated process, but the walk across the bridge (with visa on-arrival) into Tachilek is well worth it. More of the same really: markets, markets, markets. A chance to send a postcard from Burma and get a stamp in your passport. Thais seemed to top up on grog; I was content with a new pair of adidas running shoes for about $20.

Back on the Mae Sai side, we bedded down in a quaint little wooden cottage right on the river, where the flowing water soon sent us into the land of nod. It was clean, tidy, cozy, friendly, but, mainly -- for 500 baht per couple -- it was a steal.