kanchanaburi -- Erawan Falls: Tigers, Caves and Epic Battles.

So you're in Kanchanaburi ('the city of gold') and you've done the bridge and Hellfire Pass and the markets and the museums. And you still want more? Fear not, there's plenty more ...

Rent a car (well not if you have your own car or motorcycle, you understand, I mean that would be plain ridiculous) and head on out to the 3199. What a fantastic route. It's not as major as the 323, but oh so rural and oh so scenic.

Around the 30km mark out of town you'll come to a town called Wang Dong (no snickering down the back, please). Then shortly you'll start seeing large rocks on the side of the road. And these rocks will look like humans. Or trees. Woah, what's that giraffe doing there? And King Kong??? Oh my god, get me out of here!!!

No, it's not some magic mushroom hallucinogenic flashback. It's the product of the local stone quarries. Many of these figures stand three to four metres tall, a little too large to stick into your carry-on as a present for little Johnny back home. But ideal if you're a local council and need something to liven up that park in town. You can also buy things like table and chair sets, all carved from the local mountains that fringe this area.

Another few kilometres along, you'll see the turnoff to The Nine Army Battle Historical Park. This commemorates the epic battle in 1795 when 70,000 Thais under Buddha Yodfa Chulaloke (Rama I) defended the Kingdom against an invasion by 144,000 soldiers and cavalrymen under King Bodawpaya of Burma. This victory is regarded as one of the greatest in Thailand's long history of continuous sovereignty. Here you can see dioramas of the action that took place, and even a sandbox of toy soldiers in the supposed formations of the day. Tip: if you go late in the day, all the other day trippers will clear off, allowing you to wander up the watch tower and enjoy a most peaceful view of sunset in the valley.

Just a few short kilometres on again, you'll see the turnoff to Erawan Falls. Among Thais it's one of the country's attractions that elicits the most nods and gasps. Erawan National Park covers around 550 square kilometres -- if you don't believe me, get your tape measure out -- and offers endless stunning scenery. On a good day, with the right timing, the right light, a good tailwind, and a few lucky shakes of the joss sticks, you might just catch a glimpse of an elephant, wild monkeys, Asiatic pythons, king cobras, an eagle, or even a tiger. Jing jing! The national parks rangers have listed tigers as an endemic species here.

No, there's no money back guarantee if you don't see one, or get bitten in half by one. If you want a cast-iron guarantee that you'll see a tiger, visit the Tiger Temple down the road instead. But some don't agree that Buddhist monks should be making money from these animals, ie charging entry to get in, more to pat the things, more for a photo with it, more to stick your head in its mouth, more to re-attach your head to your body, etc. It's deemed too commercial by some that the monks should enjoy such materialistic trappings. (Does that make them Trappist Monks I wonder?) But if you want to see tigers up close, that's the place to go.

The Falls themselves are spectacular. Not in the league of Victoria Falls, but then, what is? What makes Erawan attractive is that they are in seven separate cascading levels, dropping down from around 1000 metres. Most are easily accesible on well-worn paths. Only the top level requires a bit of mountaineering skill. But well worth it, as you would have left all the lard-arses well down below.

Little known fact # 327: speleology is the name given to exploring caves. And there are several en route to the top cascade to poke your head into, the best being Wang Bahdan, Pratat, Rua, and Mee/Mi (which has five chambers to explore).

Bring your swimmers. The water is beautifully clear and bracing. Aah, bloody magic! And, you'll get a free fish spa in the process ... the little suckers will latch onto any available bit of skin you put under water. A few parts creepy, a few parts weird, and -- yes, I'll openly admit -- one part erotic. No wonder fish spas have become so popular!

Between all of these activities, it's easily enough for a most enjoyable full day's trip. So don't cut your time in Kanchanaburi short -- there's hundreds if not thousands of years of history waiting here for you.

Fish spa -- SOMETHING FISHY AFOOT

I'd never heard of a fish spa until a few months ago, and now it seems I cannot go five metres without seeing a day spa, resort, massage place or souvenir shop exhorting 'fish spas'. I'm surprised that 7-11 are not offering them yet.

Anyway, I thought to myself: 'Fish spa ... how ridiculous that people would pamper their piscean pets to such an extent.' I mean Paris Hilton having her poodle pedicured is one thing, but having your pet fish massaged? That's just ridiculous.

As it turns out, yes it is ridiculous. But not as ridiculous as I felt when I was told that a fish spa was actually a place humans go for treatment by fish. Not the other way around. Oh!

Now apparently this madness has been going on since 1400 BC in ancient Egypt, whereby the Pharaoh's poor blistered feet were nibbled to a nice nubile finish by a fleet of fish from the Euphrates River. We're talking about the very cradle of civilisation here, folks.

But more recently it seems that Turkey is to blame. (I just got a mental image of a Turkey Spa ... where your toes are gobbled by our feathered friends.) You see, Kangal is the spiritual home of the Garra Rufa fish, which are the best at this sort of thing because these suckers -- pun fully intended -- are toothless and generate only enough sucking power (no sniggering down the back please) to remove the dead and flaky skin, not the live stuff. Hence they are known also as 'Doctor Fish'. They grow only to a maximum of six or eight centimetres, so it's not exactly like their fins are poking out of the water and the Jaws soundtrack is brooding in the background.

Now there is apparently a real scientific name for the act of the fish spa. It's called ... wait for it ... ichthyotherapy, meaning the use of fresh water fish for cleaning wounds. Drawings from the prisoners of war on the Death Railway show them waist-deep in the waters of the River Kwai whilst little fish cleaned out their tropical ulcers. In fact, in that same area, you can still get a free fish spa at Erawan Falls if you simply wade out into the waters beneath the cascades. They will nibble anything at within reach. And I do mean anything!

On that note, don't be suckered into any place that uses telapia from China. These do have teeth and are much bigger than real Doctor Fish. Just another cheap Chinese imitation on the market. So don't come running to me when your legs have been nibbled off at the knees!

The going rate seems to be in the 200-300 baht range for half an hour in the big cities, about 300 baht an hour in some of the outer areas. I recently enjoyed an 'all day if you want' session at Big Buddha on Koh Samui for 300 baht.

It is a unique sensation, dipping your legs up to calf height into the waters. Initially the fish dart for safety in the opposite end of the pond. Then slowly, tentatively, they swim back, lured by the tantalising upstream waft of my feet, which promise the multiple delights of raging tinea, psoriasis, overgrown fungal-ridden toenails, and generally years of podiatric neglect. An aphrodisiac to your average Garra Ruffa. One fish actually started humping my big toe. Jing jing!

Then the word got around: 'Buffet down the far end of the pool!' Suddenly both my feet were covered in sucking fish. There were fish sucking on other fish just to get the juices from my festering feet. It was a feeding frenzy. At first it feels like a slight electrical pulse, a tingle. Ok, I'll say it -- quite erotic. In fact there was a lady down the other end who was fairly in orgasmic rapture. (Just quietly I think she'd slipped a fish or two down the front of her pants.)

Fish jockey for position. They elbow (OK, most fish don't have elbows but the Garra  Rufa does, I'm sure) each other aside to have a crack at a particular morsel of skin. They squeeze in between your toes. All the while sucking, sucking, sucking. Those unlucky enough to be squashed by a careless foot, float off to the top, only to be reduced to a scaleless skeleton by their former best friends in no time at all. It's dog eat dog out there.

Which gives rise to another new business idea: EXTREME FISH SPAS. Wheel in the piranhas! Release the alligators! That'll make it more interesting and get rid of any dead -- or live! -- meat in a hurry.

And when it's all done, your feet are soft and smooth and generally more presentable.

It's funny the crazy human fads out of which empires and fortunes are carved. Still, gross as this might be to some, it sure beats the colonic irrigation fad that swept through Samui a few years ago.

That really proved there was a sucker born every minute!