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Bangkok's oldest bar: Check Inn 99's colourful history

It began as a remote bolthole for ex-pats and spies and became a Bangkok institution attracting Hollywood elite.

It was a simple enough invitation. Serial renegade ex-pat, motorcycle riding buddy, best-selling author, would-be pop star and all-around likable rogue, Stu Lloyd, says “Join me for a quiet ale at Check Inn 99. It’s open mic afternoon.”

Of course, I had no idea just what the scheming Rhodesian had in mind, but to say it turned into a rich and rewarding afternoon would be a gross understatement.

As I wandered into the little hole-in-the-wall establishment, the Sunday afternoon crowd was just warming up. A local Thai chap was ripping some serious blues chords on a big semi-acoustic Fender while sax and jazz keyboard players were taking their supporting roles very seriously. Stu wasn't kidding, some substantial talent already in the swing of things.

Band gets into the swing

With red wine and tuna sandwiches laid on, Stu introduces me to Chris Catto-Smith, a former RAAF fighter jock who has run Check Inn 99 with his Thai wife, Jiraporn, known to her many friends as "Mook". Mook is the orphan of a slain senior Thai police officer and holds a high position within the force herself.

She’s not to be trifled with either. The Bangkok underworld plays a complicated game with a convoluted hierarchy that would take hours to explain. Suffice to say that when a posse of goons tried to shake down her newly reopened establishment, they left down-in-the-mouth, empty-handed and thoroughly chastened. Never to return.

I say ‘newly reopened’ because for nearly 60 years, Check Inn 99 occupied the same location on the now famous Sukhumvit strip between Sois 5 and 7, originally under the name ‘Copacabana’. Chris and Mook tidied up the place in 2011, turning the former go-go bar for US servicemen on R&R from Vietnam into a serious nightclub with good food, a well-stocked bar and quality live (musical) entertainment.

Sunday revellers settle in for 'just the one' L-R Stu Lloyd, guest, Chris Cato-Smith, Rod Eime. Stu is holding the Kevin Cummings book, Bangkok Beat, while I'm flashing Stu's soon-to-be-released 5th edition of Hardship Posting

“The Copa was something of an institution back in the day,” Chris tells me over another red wine, “celebrities would hang out here and relax away from prying eyes. Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Rachel Welch and David Bowie to name just a few. Not bad considering it started out with what were basically farm girls in ball gowns.”

20-something Noi with Bob Hope in 1968

When a long-running struggle to save the original premises was lost, Chris and Mook took the name and the ghosts with them to a new spot in Soi 33 and did their best to revive the spirit. And the effort seems to have been largely successful.

A fresh-faced Noi in the 1960s

One ghost that will never leave the Check Inn 99 is that of celebrity ‘mamasan’, known simply as Noi, or later Mama Noi. Noi passed away suddenly in 2016 after a career in the Bangkok nightlife scene that began as a feisty 17-year-old in 1960 at the ‘Copa’. Noi hailed from Ubon Ratchathani in the rural province of Isan to the northeast of Bangkok, a region that supplies much of the varied workforce in Bangkok.

Imbued with a classic Thai/Khmer beauty and oodles of spunk, the young Noi made rapid strides in the business and was largely responsible for the success of first The Copacabana and then Check Inn 99. The glitterati came to see her as much as hang out with their Hollywood cliques. She was frequently seen in close quarters with Bob Hope and his entourage and even ‘vacationed’ with them in the USA. She even briefly became something of a muse for the pop legend, David Bowie.

During the intermission, keyboard player, Keith, rocks up to our table and embraces Stu - as one does - like a long-lost pal. The three of us trade yarns from our time in the Australian music scene and discover much-overlapped history. It’s a small word.

Keith and William, the sax player, are whisked away for another jam session, joined by a mysterious and glamorous woman of colour. She belts out R&B, blues and gospel that fairly makes my spine tingle. The room is transfixed as her voice dominates. We’re in awe for a full 30 minutes.

As she leaves the stage to enthusiastic applause, she wanders nonchalantly to our table and chats effortlessly with the drinkers. I compliment her on a stellar performance and she smiles appreciatively before resuming the small talk. Stu elbows me in the ribs and whispers, “you know that’s Deni Hines!”

Miss Deni Hines with admirers

Deni tells us she’s been in Bangkok for almost a year (who knew?) while still pursuing an active career in music as well as charity work.

Boy, she still has the goods and Check Inn 99’s reputation for impromptu A-Listers remains.

By now I should know what to expect when Stu asks me out for “just the one”.

- Roderick Eime

Check Inn 99 website: http://checkinn99.com/

Sources and further reading:
Bangkok Beat by Kevin Cummings ISBN: 0692396454

Elephant Polo: Is this the biggest thing in Thailand?

Editor notes: The sport of elephant polo attracted a lot of negative attention after inhumane practices were observed at the 2018 event. As such this article is provided for historical reference only and makes no endorsement or otherwise of the event.

A sport of massive proportions, this rampaging ball game is not to be taken lightly. Roderick Eime takes a wild swing at elephant polo.

Hanging on for dear life as my mount sprints down the field at full gallop, I prepare to swing my long lance-like weapon at the tiny object on the ground. I raise the shaft and with all my strength, unleash a mighty blow on the little rolling target. The heavy mallet head strikes the turf and messy tufts of grass go flying as if propelled by an exploding hand grenade. The ball, however, rolls pathetically toward its objective with barely a fraction more speed than before.

The royal and lavish sport of polo is, by reputation, reserved for kings and the wealthy elite, not some clumsy suburban ring-in. But I have an excuse. Sure, this is the first time I have ever played polo and the level of difficulty (or should I say ungainliness) is elevated somewhat from atop an elephant.

True, here in Thailand the King’s Cup Elephant Polo tournament is now a permanent fixture on the social calendar, attracting the well-heeled and the well-coiffed from the world of business, finance, leisure and luxury consumer brands. Instead of the rapid patter of frantic hooves and the panting of thoroughbred steeds, it’s the thud of massive pachyderms trampling their way up and down the pitch, occasionally trumpeting their enthusiasm or challenging an umpire’s decision via trunk call.

The commentator calls the event with all the enthusiasm and dry wit as if it’s a country cricket match, but despite the obvious comic element, the royal sport of elephant polo is a serious affair. The field is festooned with salubrious brands like Anantara Resorts, Audemars Piguet, Mercedes Benz, IBM, British Airways and American Express. Big money is at stake and the cast of celebrities can (and has) include New Zealand All Blacks, Miss Tiffany Thailand, Isabelle Fuhrman, former Thai PM Aphisit Vejjajiva, supermodels Cindy Bishop and Lukkade Methinee plus proper royalty like Prince Carl-Eugen Oettingen-Wallerstein and his wife Princess Anna and daughter Princess Joanna.

The money raised, however, does not line the pocket of some rich sheik, instead it goes to charity projects that help the elephants themselves including an elephant ambulance, the rescue of mistreated or neglected street elephants and even an elephant hospital in Krabi. Since the tournament was introduced to Thailand in 2001 by Anantara Hotels, Resorts & Spas, it has grown to become one of the biggest charitable events in Thailand that has raised almost US$500,000.

“We strive to make each new tournament bigger and better in terms of teams, fun and activities,” said Mr. Bill Heinecke, CEO Minor International and owner of Anantara. “But we must never forget the true meaning of holding the event and that is to make a considerable donation to the conservation and welfare of the Thailand elephant population.”

The event has gone from a small two-day event in 2001 to one of Thailand’s major and internationally best loved events. The 2012 tournament featured 12 teams encompassing over 40 players. A celebrity auction has also been held with international celebrities including Olympic 100 metre Gold Medalist Linford Christie, Grammy Award winners Lady Antebellum, UK fashion designer Anya Hindmarsh and Korean Pop Star Park Jung Min.

To the casual observer, there appear to be no rules. But there is even a World Elephant Polo Association, formed in 1982 and based in the Royal Chitwan Park in Nepal. From this lofty pillar, the august body oversees the sport which is played also played in Sri Lanka.

To throw some light on the method behind the monstrous mayhem of an elephant polo match, each team comprises just three animals played on a 100m pitch using a standard polo ball. The player sits on a saddle behind the mahout (elephant handler) who controls the animal according to player’s instruction. Each match is divided into two 7-minute “chukkas”, or halves, with an interval of 15 minutes. A goal is scored, clearly enough, when one team hits it between the goal posts.

Early games were attempted with a soccer ball, but the naughty elephants would get great fun from popping the leather ball, so that idea was changed. Foul play includes having your beast sit down in front of the goal mouth or pick up the ball with its trunk. You could even try bellowing your own commands at your mount, but unless you are fluent in elephant Thai, your most ardent instructions will go ignored.

Every tournament is attended by either a vet, an elephant behaviour specialist or both. Any animal that stops enjoying the game is allowed to go goof off and just muck about in the big enclosure out the back. Naturally, with any activity that involves the training of animals there are those who decry the sport as cruel and unnatural. Without seeing the training, I can attest that the animals do actually seem to enjoy the boisterous game. I visited a few of the resting elephants in their “green room” between matches and each seemed quite relaxed, standing quietly and gently enquiring of me if I had a banana or apple on my person with a quick examination of my pockets. A far cry from the pathetic animals I recall from my childhood, chained up behind the circus tent.

Tourism dollars flow into the host locations which have included resort cities like Chang Rai and Hua Hin. The 2013 event returns to Hua Hin from August 28 -September 1 and promises to be every bit the spectacle of previous years. Put on your best shirt, wear your fanciest watch, sip Blue Label and hobnob with the glitterati. Just mind out where you step!

Getting There: THAI flies 42 times a week from Australia to Bangkok.

For the latest special fares and promotions, contact travel agents or visit thaiairways.com.au.

Hua Hin is currently not served by scheduled airlines and can be best accessed by private road transfers or coach.

Staying There:

Anantara Hua Hin www.anantara.com Or InterContinental Hua Hin Resort www.ichotelsgroup.com/intercontinental

Playing There:

More on Thailand: www.thailand.net.au

Tuk Tuk Tales in Trang

Immaculately restored tuk-tuk  (R Eime)

The ubiquitous auto-rickshaw, known lovingly throughout Thailand as the tuk-tuk, is a cheap form of personal transport and taxi-cab. Its name is derived from the sound made by the little two-stroke motor, which in English would be more familiar as ‘putt-putt’.

Here in Trang, the vast majority of tuk-tuks are owned by their drivers as opposed to Bangkok, where the uniform colour indicate they are company owned. Many have been in the same hands for decades.

To demonstrate their much-loved place in Thai urban folklore,
bridal couples in the Trang 20th Anniversary Underwater Wedding Ceremony
were photographed with immaculate collector examples in prominent city locations.  (R Eime)

For the ‘spotters’ among us, the design of the DKA Midget began in 1957 in the Daihatsu factory in Japan. The idea was for a compact, economical vehicle for light duties in the many narrow streets of Japanese cities. After an appearance on a TV show, the idea took off and soon the tiny taxis were finding their way onto streets, alleys and workplaces all around the world.

They even enjoyed some limited success in the USA as a light freight and delivery vehicle. They were even used around large factory sites like Boeing for transport. The tuk-tuk taxi was marketed in the USA as the Daihatsu Trimobile AP (all purpose) ‘Safari Wagon’

1959 US sales brochure for the 'Trimobile'

Trang is one of the few places left in the world where you will easily see the early MP5-derived 'frog head' models that trace their history and design back to the originals from the late 1950s.

The tuk-tuk is powered by an air-cooled 305cc 2-stroke, single cylinder engine with a power output of around 9kW. In many places of the world, upgrades to LPG are available. This was in response to some congested regions where the little 2-strokes can get a bit smoky, especially if not properly maintained.

Kuhn San has owned his frog-head tuk-tuk for more than 30 years, diligently
painting and repainting it in the original factory colour. Kuhn San
 is not so meticulous about the trimmings, with a Mazda
steering wheel, Honda stickers and a Toyota bonnet badge. (R Eime)

While cheap and effective forms of urban transport remain in demand, you can expect to see tuk-tuks on the streets of Thai cities for some time to come.

Consuming Trang: A Tasty Bake

The famous sweet cake from Trang is a Thai nationwide sensation. Roderick Eime samples this delightful treat.

When Kuhn Yee Keng was just 19, he started baking cakes in the family kitchen in Trang. In 1956, the busy kitchen turned out just 20 cakes a day using tough manual processes. Now 60 years later, his tasty fruit cakes are sought after all over Thailand, not just in his home province of Trang.

Kuhn Yee now operates five stores across Trang, producing up to 800 of the 500g cakes on a busy day and helped by family members who must often ferry finished cakes from one store to another during busy periods.



“Because we do not preserve in rum like many traditional fruit cakes,” Kuhn Yee tells me via my guide Suree, “they are best eaten within three days, but can stay fresh for up to a week.”

This alcohol-free process also makes the cake attractive amongst the sizeable Muslim population who live predominantly in the south of the country.

While the recipe was once a closely guarded secret, Kuhn Yee is now happy to share his famous recipe on one of his many TV segments on Thai television.

Main ingredients include eggs, sugar, butter and blended fruits such as mango, tomato, plum, raisins, banana and nuts like cashews.

These famous ‘tasty bake’ cakes cost around 50 baht and can be enjoyed any time of the year, but are an ideal complement to tea or coffee.

More information about travel in Trang (Official Site)

Related: Trang offers tasty Thai treats for food lovers

Summer in Siam by John Borthwick

Summer in Siam by John Borthwick

"I walked out the door, a bit dazed. I had ten dollars and two not-quite diamonds, and it was summer in Siam." John Borthwick's first day in Thailand seemed far from auspicious — but it has been uphill from then on. Dropping him in the middle of everything from three-day tribal weddings, elephant polo follies and pristine islands to Pattaya's bacchanalian nightlife, Thailand has kept John and his pen constantly on the move.

One of Australia's leading travel authors, John Borthwick has gathered here the best of his years of Thailand adventures, plus a swag of vivid tales from his wanderings in India, Xinjiang, the Himalayas, Borneo, Bali, Laos, Vietnam and the Philippines.

New website: Summer In Siam

Paperback
Bangkok Books
Bangkok 2006
232 pages 395 Baht
ISBN 974-85129-2-4

Top 10 Thai Luxury Resorts

NZ Let's Travel magazine recently polled some of the top travel writers about their choice of luxury Thailand resorts. Here's their verdict:

Two ways to do Phuket - Pool villas or resorts

While I have become a regular to Thailand, my visit to Phuket was the first time I'd stayed in this famously rumbustious resort town. No, I'm not going to dwell on the kaleidoscope of entertainment options assaulting you as you navigate bustling Bangla Road - there are better sites for that information - but rather on choosing appropriate accommodation to suit the kind of relaxation you, you partner and/or family have in mind.

The raucous New Tiger nightclub is one of the 'colourful' venues
along bustling Bangla Road (source: phuket101.net)

To illustrate my point, I stayed two nights in each of two contrasting properties. One, a sprawling 665-room resort, the other, a secluded 16-villa private sanctuary. And, as you can imagine, there are plenty of options in between.

Apart from selecting the style of property you want to stay at, location is another prime consideration. Taxis around the island can be exorbitant by Thai standards, so you don't want to be taking them everyday to get to your activities. If you want your action close to riotous Bangla Road, then there are several branded hotels within an easy stumble from the front line melee.

Hilton Phuket Arcadia Resort & Spa – phuketarcadia.hilton.com

Set on a massive 75-acre plot, the 665-room Hilton is around 25 years old but has had numerous rooms upgraded as recently as 2011 in the Deluxe Plus category. Entry-level Deluxe are the same size without the recent decorative refurbishments, but are no less comfortable. Above that are the more spacious Junior Suites, but these are yet to undergo refurbishment. There are a dozen or so super-plush Hilton Suites, but I wasn't able to view these.

One of the seven buildings at that make up the
Hilton Arcadia Phuket (supplied)

The resort comprises seven distinct buildings and includes The Spa, children's club, tennis and squash courts (yes, remember them?), extensive business and conference facilities, a massive, scalable ballroom and a fitness centre. There's across-the-road access to upscale Karon Beach or you can swim in any of the three pools.

Refurbished Deluxe Plus room (supplied)

Access to downtown is via a 30-minute cab ride, not something you want to be doing every day. The resort also offer their own transfers, but these are not always available or practical.

While this type of resort is fine for families and groups, it might not appeal to honeymooners or those seeking peace and quiet. For this rejuvenating purpose, I would recommend something like:

The Bell Pool Villa Resort – thebellphuket.com

Self-contained pool villa at The Bell.
Like having your own resort. (supplied)

You can insulate yourself from as much of the outside as you want, making this almost a Howard Hughes experience.

These fabulous 3-y-o villas are fully self-contained behind a high wall and gate with private (8x4m) infinity pool and cabana. Separate bedrooms, living area and kitchen means you can blissfully enjoy your own company (or that of loved ones) while you make your own meals or have them delivered from the kitchen. Need to get out a bit? Stroll down to Zhong, the in-house restaurant, or take the free shuttle to nearby Kamala Beach or downtown Patong.

Breakfast served in your private villa (supplied)
See more images of The Bell Phuket

Perfect for couples, but expandable using the separate bedrooms, each villa can be configured to accommodate up to six persons, seven at a pinch.

There are just 16 villas, 14 standard and two 'Presidential', the latter being able to sleep 8 persons thanks to a fourth bedroom. Watch a movie on the big screen TV or use the nifty Apple TV device provided. There's a private (chargeable) wine 'cellar', free Wi-Fi and spa treatments at the exclusive in-house salon.

So, take your pick. Join in the throng or find your own private hideaway, the choice is yours.

 ~~~~~~~~~

More information on Phuket and Thailand can be always be found at: www.thailand.net.au

A luxury love nest near Lamai, Samui, Thailand.

"We are a hotel for lovers," says Khun Nok, with a cheeky sparkle in her eyes. Indeed, lounging in the airy reception area is a bit like watching something from Noah's Ark ... the couples come in two by two. No families. No solo travellers.

I didn't ask her what percentage would be honeymooners, but I suspect a lot. For Villa Nalinnadda is billed as a small luxury romantic hotel. Even the dining area on the sand near the pool has only two tables. And the hotel itself, only a handful of rooms.




The chaos and madness of Chaweng is a long way from this love nest. In a good way. This villa is just south of Lamai, which has enough bright lights, bars and restaurants for those who want to come up for air.

The dazzling white rooms are purpose-built. Centre stage are large four-poster beds, and a sumptuous tub. The top floor rooms feature a jacuzzi-style tub on the balcony. To lie there amid the bubbles, gazing into your lover's eyes - or even at the milky way above - is a prelude to love and romance. There is no turning back!

"Some more conservative Thais complain about this," says Nok. "How can you make it so ... so ... obvious," she chuckles. But a seedy love motel this is NOT. All the fixtures and fittings are beautifully and carefully selected. Like the feather-decked curtains, adding an indulgent orgiastic feel. I note, though, that the standard mini-bar supplies don't include condoms.




And breakfast can be served in your room, at the reasonable waking hour of your choice.Then the day is yours, recline around the pool, or to amble along the beach with resident spaniel Pistacchio waggling along with you.

Just nearby is the setting off point for Samui's famous fleet of squid boats, who dot the horizon at night with their green floodlights.

A wry reminder that everything is "GO" at this villa. In a raunchy red-light romantic kind of way.

www.nalinnadda.com

Rachamankha Chiang Mai hotel review - Mekong adventure in the old heart

A great hotel is one which fires the imagination. Transports you beyond the everyday into some fantasy world of your own choosing.

It’s something I feel when I step into, say, The Raffles in Singapore and the E & O in Penang.

And it’s something I experienced recently down a rather non-descript soi (street) in the heart of the old walled city of ChiangMai. At Rachamankha.

Its imposing walls open up to reveal a splendid oasis that immediately allows you to dream you are on the verge of some great Mekong adventure. Like Henri Mahout slashing his way through the jungles to unveil an overgrown Angkor Wat.

But rather than untamed jungle, here you find frangipani trees, groves of palms and even bonsais. The shrill chirps of cicadas. And bird song. And thick-pillared buildings dazzle white in the highland sun.

“It’s so authentic,” said my wife. 

Indeed, Rachamankha has a sense of establishment and stature way beyond its mere 10 years. Perhaps that’s got a lot to do with use of heavy dark local woods. Or the 19^th century Burmese antique manuscript boxes which line the corridors. And the beautiful old furniture pieces which adorn each of the 26 rooms and suites. No IKEA-like chipboard stuff here.

Local materials are also used in things like leather-bound menu covers and locally crafted lampshades. And 2-inch thick doors which add to the oeuvre of its Chiang Mai Old Town location.

One ‘but’, however. For a luxury hotel offering, not all rooms offer a bath tub. A shower just doesn’t cut it for me in such sumptuous surroundings. A strong personal bias of mine. I don’t care too much about the room as long as there is a bathtub to luxuriate in. With a bonus point for an old claw-footed enamel one.

Guests will enjoy its airy library, which once again brings us to the likes of the Oriental Bangkok with its leveraged literary heritage. And for a truly regional gastronomic experience, the hotel’s gourmet restaurant dishes up exotic offerings from Thai, Myanmarese and Tai Yai (southern Chinese and Shan ) influences. A la carte breakfast served in the Chinese-themed courtyard sets the tone for a special day ahead.

At the end of a fascinating day around Chiang Mai, the hotel works its magic too. 

“It’s sooo romantic,” cooed my wife as we walked across the moodily spot-lit gardens to sit around the pool one night.

Little wonder then Rachamankha has garnered awards for architecture, culture and boutique accommodation from various respected sources including Conde Naste. For a wonderfully civilized adventure. Imagine that.

Bangkok Thailand - What 10 things can YOU learn from it?

The Huffington Post got it so right and so wrong with its blog today, 10 Things that Americans can Learn from Bangkok.

The "Blade Runner" reference is accurate though tired, and we're only talking about a small part of the Sukhumvit and Silom areas. Unless of course you were referring to the other Blade Runner du jour, Oscar Pistorious!

But I must wholeheartedly nod my head in violent agreement that a lot of structures and practices would NOT pass cursory inspection the developed world. Everyday walking down the street I see a million different things that might prematurely terminate my life. And that's just my little soi. But this is actually what I enjoy most about living in an emerging country such as Thailand. It's not pre-ordained, and Buddha only knows what is around the next corner.

Point 7 is where the writer gets it horribly wrong: "International is a state of mind". I am sorry, but the one thing holding Thailand back the most is a TOTAL LACK of global mindset. They are constrained linguistically to absorbing mostly what their own culture and media throws up, circles within circles. And Korean soap operas. There is barely any interest in happenings in their own country outside Bangkok, let alone the rest of the region or world for most. Sadly the Thais are not hungry thinkers, and do not generally possess a curious mindset. That's the reality. But this probably won't concern someone just travelling here for some sun and fun.

Instagramming about Suvanabhumi airport does NOT equal 'international' mind set per se. That's like saying because I like ladies in tights I must therefore enjoy the ballet!

It just means that 22,000,000 inbound tourists are jamming their way through it.

And I am really sorry, Huffington Post, English has NOT "all been adopted as a common language". I have travelled to 55 countries and struggle to think of a country (except perhaps outer Mongolia) where I struggled to communicate on a daily basis as much as here. And I studied Thai -- although I am reliably informed that I speak it like a 16 year-old Cambodian boy. Unless the writer ensconced themselves deeply and solely within the tourist belt of Khao San Road (oh, sorry, I see you went to Chatuchak Market as well, which is an awesome weekend market but frankly just as touristed as Khao San Road).

Even in the heart of Sukhumvit Road, another tourist and expat enclave, I can barely get two words out of most 7-11 clerks, bank tellers, waitresses (in any language, let alone English) so I don't see where English comes into play.

AEC 2015 is just 2 years away now and Thailand will get its arse kicked by lack of competitiveness purely on a language basis. Note: I'm not taking an imperialistic/ colonial standpoint here -- I would equally advocate they study Chinese as much as English. But get with the program, Thailand ...

It's a global village and no-one else speaks your language!

Where the Huff gets Bangkok spot on is all about the street food, and the passion of Thais for food culture. See the earnestness with which an Isan lady pounds the many ingredients for a somtam to get the consistency and spice kick just right.

They also make accurate observations about the Chao Phraya River ... a real working river and always a pleasurable way to while away some hours watching barges ply upriver, or see long-tail boats blasting their way across. And the canals add a distinctive air (literally, sometimes!) to the urban landscape.

Spot on, too, about Bangkok's hip street fashion. But go beyond Platinum Fashion Mall and get into the labyrinthine Siam Square area, teeming with students and hipsters and the next wave of big name Bangkok designers.

Haha, I just read the Coconuts Bangkok blog on this, which referred to Huffington Post's effort as "a new apogee of strained credibility". That it sure is, when -- although the political protests rarely affect tourists directly -- I almost got caught up in the Great Red-Shirt Shoot-out of 2010, and I am not sure how tanks, burning buildings, squads of soldiers and scores of deaths qualify as a "peaceful" model of democracy in action.

Epic fail, Huff Post! Mai dee loei.

Thailand Hotels -- How good is Bangkok Room Service?

Shelley Berman: on Thai room service 

The following sketch 'Ruin Sorbees' was the subject of much viral circulation by that new-fangled thing called the Internet back in 1997, and was also a popular article when it appeared in the (now sadly demised) Far Eastern Economic Review in Nury Vittachi's column. There has been much conjecture over whether it was an actual taped conversation between a guest and room service, or just a fictional skit, and whether it was one of the Bangkok hotels or one of the gazillion hotels in China.

At the time I was compiling the Hardship Posting series of books about Asia, I asked Nury and he clearly disowned authorship of it.

The truth is something like this ... it was written by Shelley Berman, and appeared in his book A Hotel is a Funny Place, a long, long time before the internet came around. I suspect it is based on Chinese rather than Thai hotel service, just because of the wording but either way it's a great giggle.

Read it out loud -- preferably to some friends after a few drinks -- for full enjoyment of this.

“Morny. Ruin sorbees”
“Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service”
“Rye, Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen?”
“Uh, yes, I’d like some bacon and eggs”
“Ow July den?”
“What??”
“Ow July den — fry, boy, pooch?”
“Oh the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.”
“Ow july dee baychem-crease?”
“Crisp will be fine.”
“Hokay, An San Toes?”
“What?”
“San toes. July San toes?”
“What?”
“San toes. July San toes?”
“I don’t think so”
” No? Judo one toes?”
“I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what judo one toes means?”
“Toes! Toes! Why je Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
“English Muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying “Toast”. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
“We bother?”
“No, just put the bother on the side?”
“Wad?”
“I mean butter- just put it on the side”
“Copy?”
“Sorry?”
“Copy…tea…mill?”
“Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
“One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish moppingwe bother honey sigh and copy…rye?”
“Whatever you say”
“Tendjewberryjud”
“You’re welcome.”

Amazingly, Shelley Berman is in his 7th decade of show business now with a bunch of awards such as Grammys and Emmies to his name. And even has a facebook fan page.

Till next time, tenjewberryjud, and share with us YOUR best and worst room service experiences ...

books about Thailand: Hardship Posting - true tales of expat misadventure in Asia ...

Let me start with full disclosure. The author and editor of the Hardship Posting series is someone I know really well. Have done for years. In fact, all of my life. We grew up together, went to school together, and are practically inseparable as adults.

Well, it's um ... me. Jing jing!

I am blogging about this series of books now because they are just being released for the first time ever in an e-book format on Amazon. Click here to see inside the book online [insert subliminal ad message here -- Buy it! Buy it! buy it!]

Some have said it's the best Thailand travel guide because it deals with Bangkok bars, notorious Thai nightlife, airport and immigration stories and so on. But it's not really a travel guide to Thailand like the Lonely Planet. Nor is it a novel set in Thailand. Instead, it is a collection of 400 amazing and amusing stories collected from expats in Asia, covering the full spectrum of life. It just happens that most of the craziest episodes seem to happen in the Kingdom, for whatever reason (such as the British gent who posed as the High Commissioner to impress Bangkok bar girls).

There are bent police, slimy con-men, corrupt officials, and shady taxi drivers -- in other words just another day in Bangkok or Pattaya! There are also philandering expat husbands, language boo-boos, moving company dramas, etc.

I could go on and on raving about it ... it makes me feel a little awkward to do so. Honestly. Rather, listen to what various readers and reviewers have got to say about the best-selling series of 3 volumes which has already topped 70,000 sales.

"Sleazy, disgusting, politically incorrect and shockingly insensitive; I loved it" - Nury Vittachi of the HK Standard raved.

"Good fun. Everybody gets the shaft. Indeed the 280 page book isn't long enough. This reviewer often chuckled out loud." - Bernard Trink, The Bangkok Post

And, finally, one more from The Expat Magazine Singapore, who said:

"A mighty collection of tales. The bawdy humour comes thick and fast throughout. A rib-tickling read for the not-so-faint hearted."

Those last two words are important. Don't even open the cover if you are the least bit thin-skinned. You WILL be offended. No wonder it's banned in China, and unwelcome in polite society just about everywhere else.

So luckily you can buy it and download it from the privacy of your own computer now.


[The cartoons in Hardship Posting Vol 1 above, are by Larry Feign, the whizz behind the long-running World of Lily Wong strip.]

If you like the 'Washing your balls' cartoon, I have plenty of Thailand golf course stories and reviews on this blog. Such as this one from Phuket.

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One of the best places to honeymoon? Kuoni says Thailand.

Banyan Tree Koh Samui - a perfect honeymoon hideaway

 The word honeymoon itself is enough to bring sighs and gushes to the lips of young maidens, and fleeting clouds of twinkling stars to their eyes. The stuff of fairy tales since they were little princesses ...

So no pressure then when it comes to choosing the best honeymoon destination.

Especially if it's only a once-in-a-lifetime experience (which we all sincerely hope it is when going into it.)

Let's narrow it down for you. The good folks at Kuoni have just released their 2013 Travel Trends report and Amazing Thailand ranks number 3 in terms of the most desirable and best places to go for a honeymoon this year.

A couple I know were both working in a resort in the Maldives when they got married. So, if you already live and work in the Maldives -- another shitty day in Paradise! -- where do you go for your honeymoon?

In their case, Bangkok. Jing Jing!

Andrew wanted to play golf with his mates, and Liz was happy to trawl the shopping emporiums of the City of Angels.

Personally I might look further afield to some of the smaller islands. Ko Samui comes immediately to mind. (For your info, the word koh in Thai means island, so need need to repeat Koh Samui island.) I have blogged about Samui a fair bit, so have a little search around my blog archive.

Beautiful sunsets and romantic beach walks

Then there's Yao Noi, a really unspoilt little island in the Krabi area (so you could combine a few spots, some lively, some quieter and more secluded in your trip). If you really want to indulge in the most wonderful spot, choose the Six Senses Yao Noi. 

Ko Lanta is another that comes to mind in the Krabi area, in the Andaman Sea, with endless stretches of white sandy beaches. As does Khao Lak, just north of Phuket.

All those places will give you idyllic beaches, sunshine, diving and snorkelling. 

Do I actually recommend Phuket? Frankly I am over it as I've been travelling there since 1988 (!) and I can see how it's really popular with the beach and beer crowd -- not really how you want to spend your honeymoon is it? (Or if so, good thing you are not married to me!) Although there is the Millionaire's Mile of Anantara, Indigo Pearl, JW Marriot, etc up the very top north west of the island.

But if you prefer mountains and quieter bucolic times, choose Chiang Mai or Chiang Rai which also have a lifetime's worth of cozy and secluded resorts, with languid vistas of rice fields and beautiful valleys.

Gardens at Doi Tung, Chiang Rai province.

So that's almost a top 10 destinations for honeymoon in Thailand. Hope it's been a useful starting point for you? Let me know.

Of course, if you'd like to go to the Maldives for honeymoon anyway, it's easy to access from Bangkok too. So you can have the best of both worlds, and, like Liz and Andrew, claim you spent your honeymoon in Bangkok.

Best places to get married? Many say 'Get Married in Thailand'

Hey folks,

For once in my life I am writing about something I actually know something about. Actually two things - Thailand and Weddings. (Without going into detail I've a fair bit of experience at the latter!)

The recent Kuoni 2013 Travel Trends report put Thailand in 6th place in best places to get married (or technically, the 6th most popular place their customers were flying to this year in order to get married).

Oh no, I can see you already thinking Hangover 2 and recoiling in fear and horror ...

But let me set your mind at ease.

You see I got married (again) just a few months ago. We were thinking Chiang Mai, as we have spent a lot of time in the north, it was cool winter time, and there are lots of lovely places like Chiang Dao which are laid back, peaceful, romantic, and can fit the bill (literally). Affordability is probably one of the biggest attractions of staging your wedding in Thailand - see the footnote for some even better news.

We held the bucks night in Pattaya and I worried for weeks about being handcuffed to some ladyboys and not making it to the ceremony, etc etc. A rowdy night with some mates in this purpose-built pleasure capital but none of my nightmares eventuated, luckily.

Anyway, we settled on Bangkok for our wedding; the Swissotel Nai Lert Park Hotel, for its lush tropical garden setting. We had a marquee tent set up outside in the garden, hired a student musician quartet to play classical and pop music, and it was lovely. We prayed for great weather and boy did we get it!

The organisation was really on the ball and the day went swimmingly (we were adjacent the pool, but that's not I mean. Nor was I referring to the sweat pouring off my brother's brow -- he joined us straight out of an English winter!)

The service itself was a three-in-one affair, starting off with Buddhist touches such as nine chanting monks, followed by water ceremony. Then we had a Chinese component which was centred around a tea ceremony. And finally an exchange of vows as the Western part.

I started off in some traditional Thai silk outfit, with blooming gold pantaloons, sash, brocade jacket and the works. Consensus was that I was channeling Yul Brunner in the King and I. (I think that was meant as a compliment?!?)

It really was an out-of-body experience for me (better than being an out-of-pocket experience). Like some ancient Siamese fairy tale, with me in the lead role!

Oh, I meant to tell you about the good news: arrange to have some Chinese relatives join your wedding ... you see,  it's their practice to pass on some money to the couple. At the end of the day, these bulging envelopes more than paid for the whole affair.

So, if you're thinking of a wedding in Thailand, for me, sure it's no surprise that it's in the top 10 wedding destinations, with no shortage of choices of the most romantic wedding places such as Chiang Mai, Kao Yai, Chiang Rai, or Koh Samui.

Hmmm, so many choices. I wonder where I'll get married next time.

Hey, only joking, sweetie, jing jing.

Hey, open the door ...

Sweetie!!!

Where to travel in Thailand? Thailand Jing Jing points you ...

 Dear first-time readers, sawasdee krub and welcome to my Thailand Jing Jing blog.

I have been travelling to the Kingdom for 25 years now (and had a base here for over 10 years), so I am happy to share my insider guide knowledge on how to travel Thailand and where to travel in Thailand.

So please cruise these pages and you should find what you are after ... valuable info such as:

+ Best time to travel to Thailand (noting that monsoon season is different on the east and west coasts)

+ Some great ideas and itineraries for your Thailand travel tour (I'm a fan of the do-it-yourself travel mentality by foot, bus, plane, car, motorcycle or elephant)

And generally I hope that -- as a travel guide for Thailand -- Thailand Jing Jing becomes one of your favourite sources of good and fun info. Drop me a note and do let me know.

What you will probably NOT find on these pages is:

+ How to go about getting a travel visa to Thailand (if in fact your country's citizens need one for tourism).

Frankly that's boring bureaucratic mind-numbing BS and there are other anoraks who deal with that sort of thing better than I do!

Cheers and jer gan (see you). Stu

Thailand travel rated 2nd most popular destination 2013

The folks at UK tour company Kuoni have just put out a report based on their 2013 Travel Trends (hey February is better late than never!) and forward bookings.

Good news is that long haul travel to Thailand comes in 2nd most popular for the Brits. So where is more popular this year for the dentally challenged sandal wearers? Only travel to the Maldives. And after Thailand comes Sri Lanka. I've been to both, and they are undeniably magical in very different ways. For me, Maldives is purely about honeymoon. A week of indoor bedroom sports, coming up for air occasionally to go scuba diving or to drink a champagne toast to the glorious sunsets. But frankly not much local indigenous culture (or even local people) to see or enjoy or experience on your distant atoll.

I will blog soon on how Thailand fared in the top 10 Wedding destinations and top 10 Honeymoon destinations section of the report.

In making the announcement on Thailand, Kuoni's report talks about Bangkok as a captivating city, the floating markets, and the small island hideaways,"overlaid with a friendly, open culture."

Personally I would have questioned the use of a word like "overlaid" in the context of Thailand! ;)

But this should not detract from the enjoyment of perennial favourites such as Phuket, Koh Samui, and the up-and-coming Koh Chang.

Oh, and I'll leave with a little language pronouncing lesson for all our British visitors to the Kingdom in 2013. Koh Chang is pronounced "got chung" (rhymes with hung). Otherwise your boat driver may not know where you want to go.

How to speak in Thai - according to Rosetta Stone and Saturday Night Live

This spoof clip from the popular comedy show Saturday Night Live is ruffling feathers.

According to the Bangkok Post, the Thai authorities are apparently requesting for it to be removed from You Tube.

Watch it. Do you think it warrants the fuss??? Is it any better or worse for the country's image than Hangover 2 which I blogged about last year?

If nothing else, it should encourage a hell of a lot more people to learn the Thai language. But frankly I think the government should concern itself with much bigger issues ... such as teaching Thais to speak English and engage with the global economy to get the country moving ahead so that it is not so reliant on the sex industry to provide jobs.

Otherwise it continues to provide comedic fodder for the outside world ...

Rubs that tug ... at the heart and soul (AsiaSpa Awards 2012)

Take a second to just think of the collective aromatic whiff of a whole [insert collective noun here]* of 350 spa operators and health and wellness resorts gathering in one hotel ballroom for AsiaSpa magazine's 8^th annual AsiaSpa Awards for 2012. What would dominate? Lemongrass. Ylang Ylang. Lavendar. No, you're right ... fine French bubbly.

With a record number of entries this year, the competition for the coveted trophies was fierce, but being the shiny-skin-scrubbed, colon-irrigated, positive-kharmic, chakra-aligned crowd that they are, of course it's all smiles and pleasantry and bon homie. Not like the Oscars with their supercilious 'congratulations, you bitch' plasticity.

But one table that smiled the most. And increasingly as the night went on. That was the Thailand table. Why not - after all, it is THE land of smiles, isn't it?

As the awards were dished out, one to the Maldives, one to Thailand, one to some other place, another one to Thailand, some other place, Thailand ...

In all, Thai spa and wellness operators ended up the most awarded overall, with four specific product wins:

• Day Spa of the Year: The Oasis Spa Lanna, Chiang Mai, Thailand 
• Spa Retreat of the Year: Kamalaya Wellness Sanctuary and Holistic Spa, Ko Samui, Thailand
• Medi-Spa of the Year: S Medical Spa, Bangkok, Thailand
• In-Spa Training of the Year: Banyan Tree Spa Academy, Phuket, Thailand

I've got a question: is there a certain closing time required to qualify as a Day Spa? Are the owners afraid to go out at night, or just too stingy to pay the electricity bill? Or is it an eco-friendly thing whereby everything runs on solar power so is no good after sunset? (Ok, that's 3 questions ...)

The Grand Prix award of the night, Asian Spa Capital of the Year, then also went to Amazing Thailand. The only real surprise to me is that Pattaya came up empty-handed ... 

Some gratuitous Titiporn ...

Titiporn (gotta love that name!) Manenate, Director of TAT's Hong Kong office, positively gushed: “When the Chiva-Som Health Resort opened in Hua Hin in 1995, it broke new ground in the annals of Asia-Pacific health and wellness tourism. Ever since then, Thailand has continued to raise the bar in the quality and diversity of its spa offerings.”

All I'm going to say is I am glad there is a double 'N' in 'annals' and I'm not even going to touch 'raise the bar' ...

Titiporn added: "Thai spas blend traditional well-being therapies with relaxing massage, holistic treatments and numerous other ways to relieve and detox an overworked physical and mental system. Thai spas are becoming as popular as Thai cuisine.” I'll eat to that ...

At the end of the evening, groaning under the weight of their trophies, the triumphant Thailand contingent went off into the Hong Kong night ... in search of a good massage for their aching face muscles, the result of waaaaaay too much smelling, er, I mean, smiling.


* What would be a good collective noun for Spa, Health and Wellness operators?

I'm going to kick off with some suggestions: a SIGH of spa operators, a RUB of massage therapists, a MERIT of meditation councilors ...  What can YOU suggest here? Leave your comments below.